My son, Joseph, is showing me a lot about myself pertaining to my relationship with God. This morning he woke up at 4am - and never went back to sleep. I fed him, I gave him lots of drinks of water, I paced the floor with him...nothing worked. His crying also managed to keep his very tired daddy awake, and unsettle his brothers rest too. He wasn't being naughty. I couldn't discern if it was tummy trouble, or simply that his body clock was off. Regardless, it was a tough way to start the day. By noon he was very tired: rubbing his eyes, getting wobbly on his legs, etc. So we fed him lunch, and I brought him to our room for a nap. I knew he'd cry and fight sleep - it's his way of trying to retain control over his life that feels so out of control to him right now. But, BOY did he fight.
For over 30 minutes he screamed a scream I never heard before meeting him. God empowered me, it wasn't on my own strength that I managed to remain perfectly calm and peaceful (almost removed) as I attempted to comfort him, and keep assuring him that he is ok. Whenever he would take a breath, I used the mili-second of silence to say things like: Joseph, I love you. Joseph, you are safe. Joseph, Momma is here.
And then I saw myself. I saw how I scream and wail at God. How I threaten to keep screaming unless He intervenes and adapts to my plans. I saw how unreasonable my screams are. How, the moment God gives me what I want I can turn off the screaming like a light switch. I saw how God remains calm, patting my bottom, rocking me, and using the moments when I quiet my heart to tell me that He is here. While Joseph would push my hand away, and a second later grab it and want me to pat him, then push away, then grab it...I saw myself.
Joseph showed me my own heart. Now, if only God would grant me the grace to submit to His will. Come, Lord Jesus. Empower me with the grace to see that You are here.
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