Empty Handed

Dave and the girls just went to the gym. I've got 90 minutes all to myself in this house. Of course I'm supposed to be folding laundry, and reviewing our to-do list =-) But my the laptop was looking so lonely on the dining room table...
We fly out in ten days. I'm a wreck. I cry at everything. At nothing. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my baby girls with no guarantee of when I'll be home again. I want to go. I want to see these precious boys who I think about c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y...I want to smell their little heads, and feel their fingers, and hear them giggle. Do they giggle? I want firsthand proof =-)
I don't want to stand before a stranger, and watch as our life, and the future of these boys' lives, hangs in the balance while I pray desperate prayers that everything goes "our way".
A few days ago a co-worker overheard Dave and I talking about the uncertainty of int'l adoption. He came up to Dave later and asked, "Is it true you guys could really come home empty-handed?" "Yep" Dave said. It's true that we aren't promised that the judge will rule in our favor when we request legal guardianship. It's his job to make sure everything is prudent, and he will judge according to what he believes is so. It's true that even once we get to the step of asking our own gov't for permission to emigrate these children into our country, we may hear "no" for an answer. We may come home empty-handed.
But, for the past couple days, since our friend asked that question, I've been thinking about it. I'm praying that God would grant me the blessing to come home empty-handed. Empty-handed in the sense that we would truly desire what He desires. That we would truly want, above everything else, to make much of Him and help shine a light on His Goodness as others watch us live life.
I want these boys to be my sons so bad it hurts, and I haven't even locked eyes with them yet. I can't imagine how strong my feelings will be once I'm in the land of their birth. I am asking God to grant this desire. But, I am now praying that God would prepare me, really prepare me, to come home empty-handed (whether or not I have two boys on my hips) - with hands lifted high to Him, unclenched, surrendered, and willing to follow His ways.