Receiving

I'm so messed up. Seriously. I am learning more about my own messiness these days than I ever wanted to know. I think about 15 yrs ago I got hurt by some friendships ~ nothing outright or intentional, but I think the way my brain processed it, I told myself that I'm not good at having friends, that friends don't "pick me" or wanna stick with me. So, I've had friends since then, but never really let myself need friends too much.
Well that charade is over. I'm needy, and I can't save the world, much less be in ministry, have a healthy marriage, and raise four high-needs kids - at least not without a support system. So, it's a good thing God has given me friends. Some are the kind of friends I could call or text at weird hours, some are the ones I let come over and hang out even though there is a pile of unfolded laundry (underwear and all) on the couch, some are the friends that pray - really pray wise and sensitive and bold prayers for me, some make unsolicited meals, some take my daughters for playdates...
On Monday night I attended a triple-baby shower for three friends that are expecting baby boys in the coming weeks/months. It was supposed to be at my house last week, but then I got sick so another friend took the baton. Well, at the end of the shower we were sitting around chatting and one friend put a huge basket of goodies in front of me. It didn't compute. I thought it was placed in front of the wrong mom. Turns out all these women were surprising me with a basket of special goodies, handwritten encouragement, and a big ol' gift card too. I wanted to run out of the room. The love felt so undeserved (it is) and unexpected (it is) and too much (they insist it isn't). I wanted to say, "why do you care about goofy ol' me?" cuz I haven't been very good at being the good friend I think these women deserve, I've been too busy keeping my mouth above water while I'm treading in the deep end. But you know what was written on the bottom of the card they gave me? "We love being your friend, Joy." Bam. That ministered healing to deep parts of my heart that I didn't even know had wounds. I love my friends because they are sweet, and funny, and dedicated moms, and creative, and compassionate. And as I was telling Dave later that night why I love each of them not once did I say it's because they do nice things for me, or because they make my life more convenient - but somehow I think those are the things that should make me worthy of having a friend, my earning it. I hold myself to a standard that I don't expect from others. Not healthy, I'm realizing.
Nope. Turns out this is yet another area of my life where God is saying: "Kill the pride, Girl. It's not about you anyway." Like my dad always says: be a gracious receiver.
And then tonight we went for dinner at another friend's home. On the drive over I announced to Dave that I was proud of myself because I never offered to bring something to dinner. It might be good manners to offer to bring something, but for me that can be a slippery slope of wanting to bring something so people will like me, find me useful, find having me around to be beneficial...it's the earning love thing again. So, I never offered. I decided that I need a lesson in learning to be a gracious receiver. But at least three times my friend had to say to me, "Joy, sit down and let us serve you." Augh. My pride. I wanted to help clear the dishes. I wanted to make sure my kids weren't behaving too wildly. I wanted to be sure we weren't in any way a burden. But, instead God wanted me to learn to enjoy friendship for what it is: friendship.
So thank you, girlfriends A, A, M, L, R, N, K. And thank you, D&M and kids. Thanks for praying for us through all of December, and for loving and encouraging us since then too. I'm grateful to receive from you.